Discover a collection of stories from our authorities on the Longevity Lifestyle, created by ROAR Forward, a collaborative of longevity thought leaders and content creators.
Friends are a wildly underrated “multiple vitamin.” They’re the over-the-counter cure that lift us up, share our truth, warm our hearts, create lasting memories, keep our secrets, and become our second family. Just thinking about my friends makes me smile. (I feel I should stop writing and text one now.)
Lately, however, experts have been buzzing about the loneliness epidemic. According to Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, loneliness affects half the adults in the United States. It is linked to a number of age-related conditions and is as major a threat to longevity as inhaling a daily pack of cigarettes.
Holy smokes.
Fortunately, the Surgeon General offers an antidote to the problem, identifying “a source of well-being hiding in plain sight.” Bette Midler sang it best: “Ya gotta have friends”—because, plain and simple, friends help you live longer.
“There has been a tsunami of studies over the last decade showing the single best predictor of your psychological and physical health is the… quality of close friendships—that inner core,” Oxford University anthropologist Dr. Robin Dunbar reported in an analysis of a major friendship study.
Friend-making, however, is no slam dunk. In a study of 2000 adults, Dr. Dunbar found it takes about 34 hours to turn an acquaintance into a true friend. (Consider a dozen marathon dinners.) Making a friend, then, is no small thing in our over-scheduled, responsibility-fueled world. To max out friendship‘s health benefits, we need the right friends, rather than squander precious moments on groupies who undermine, annoy, bore, or just don’t get us anymore—and maybe never did.
So, let’s get cracking. Here are the eight friends everyone needs:
1. Ground zero in friendship is the 3 A.M. Angel, the friend you want when your almost-ex is belting out “Happy Days Are Here“ while packing a bag. No matter what, this queen of friends lets you lean on her shoulder and, if necessary, talks you off a ledge. Being nonjudgmental is part of her secret sauce. While it’s a quality to seek in all friends, staying cool in a crisis is the Angel’s specialty. Sometimes she’s a fixer, but she’s always a supportive listener.
2. All of us need at least one Knew-You-When Friend. She held your hand when you got your first tattoo and remembers your dad’s puns and mom’s lasagna. When we’re busy finding ourselves in our twenties and thirties, we tend to blow off early friendships as yesterday’s news. But my bulletin from the aging trenches is to remind younger women that high school and college friends can be revealing portals into our past. Along with birthday posts, they’re the best reason not to ditch Facebook.
3. I’m surprised at how few women seek out a Buddy Who Keeps You Healthy. Along with the motivation and companionship it obviously affords, study after study has shown that movement is the most important behavior for living a longer and healthier life. When my ego was circling the drain after I lost a beloved job, I started circling a running track instead, and invited an acquaintance to join me. We quickly became close, thanks to nonstop gabbing while we ran three times a week. This exercise commitment made all the difference to my wellness as I healed from my career hiccup, since knowing I’d made a date with a friend, I ran even in foul weather.
4. Need a podiatrist? A hotel in New Orleans? A hair colorist who specializes in face-framing highlights? Who ya gonna call? You never have to turn to the internet again if a Maven joins your friendship circle. She may not remember the multiplication table, but for quotidian concerns, she’s your go-to gal. The Maven is rarely shy about disseminating knowledge, and sometimes volunteers an answer before you’ve even formed a question. Buy it in pink. The black makes you look like you haven’t slept for a week.
5. Another essential: a Younger Friend. In my book club, I love that most of the members were getting their braces off when I was getting a B.A. Younger friends remind me that just because the years are ticking away, we are not required to act our age, whatever that means. In book club, because they are smart as well as young, their viewpoints lead to rousing discussions. But the real bonding comes after the book talk, when this brat pack gets down and dirty about the popularity of the hottest pop stars, the width of jeans, and other topics my same-age peers don’t tend to discuss.
6. Young is fun, but so is an Older Friend, especially if she’s like Vivian, 81, who sings in a choir, walks everywhere, publishes essays, and though in excellent health, has planned her own funeral, which included giving coffins a test run. I don’t want Younger Friends to see me as invisible because I’m closer to their mom’s age than their own, nor should I do the same, which in our ageist culture is tempting. A snap-in-her-step, older role-model is the canary in life’s coal mine where—should we be privileged to experience longevity—we’re also headed.
7. It’s expansive to have friends unlike you—older or younger or of different races, religions, political beliefs, or backgrounds, but a Reflection is a requirement, especially if she affirms a part of your identity you especially value. When I was a working mom with two kids and my colleagues had none, I longed for a mom friend and found her in Jane, a college chum who’d settled in Vermont. Our children are the same ages and though it’s a long-distance relationship, we’ve been tight through every stage of mothering, the empty nest, and now granny-hood. We happily exchange endless minutiae about each other’s family that would anesthetize most other friends.
8. Everyone needs the last laugh you get from a Funny Friend. As good as laughing-till-your-ears-ache feels in the moment, studies show that laughter has more meaningful, long-term effects as well: reducing stress, depression, and anxiety, boosting self-esteem, even enhancing memory and creative thinking. I’ve been fortunate to have worked at magazines that attracted witty women like streaming comedy specials. Whenever I’m with colleagues formerly from that world, I know to expect wickedly side-splitting cracks. Whatever your style, having a friend who generates joy through humor is a keeper.
Sally Koslow, the former editor-in-chief of McCall’s and other magazines, is the author of many novels, most recently The Real Mrs. Tobias.